4 steps of picture perfect


Most people nowadays are familiar with selfies and are also taking selfies. And I’m one of those people who never even considered to take one and I also hate to have my picture taken. Pictures of me are close to nonexistent. Of course there are pictures of me that my dad took over the years, simply feeding his slight obsession with photography. There are also pictures of my prom and few accidental pictures with my friends. But there was never a time when I was like “Hey! Let’s take a picture!”. I don’t even have a picture of me on my personal Facebook profile, there’s only few that people tagged me in.

So why don’t I like taking pictures?

It all comes down to me explaining you few main ‘issues’ that lead to my ridiculously low self-esteem regarding my looks. No I don’t think I’m ugly, I just don’t feel comfortable with myself. Now let’s get to the first issue.

  1. My weight and body image

I was born prematurely, 3 months too fast and all my life I was the tiniest, skinniest, weakest and most quiet person in the room (well for most of my life). People always teased me because I was so skinny. I had around 40kg till the end of the elementary school and most people never realized that I used to puke out every single meal till the 7th grade. Obviously not on purpose, my stomach just didn’t agree with ANYTHING I ever ate. After 7th grade things slowly turned better and I could eat without puking. That’s when I turned into a really skinny and a quite picky foodie. I still have stomach problems if I eat too much or something that irritates my stomach. So gaining weight always seemed like an impossible task.

So thought my whole life people teased me about being skinny and kept asking me if I’m anorexic or even try to force me to eat. I can’t say schoolmates’ remarks bothered me, at least not consciously, but subconsciously, that’s a whole different story that turned into a HUGE problem for me. I now hate to wear anything that would “show off” my body figure. I always wore only big hoodies and preferably baggy pants/yeans. In secondary school the teasing got worse, even though I somehow managed to rise my weight to 45kgs till the final school year. Yet people still kept asking me if I’m anorexic. Even though most of my schoolmates noticed that I always munched on something, even during classes.

The most dreaded moment of my life was actually my prom. Oh goodie, aren’t proms supposed to be the second best day in a girl’s life? Well since it was a prom, everyone insisted on me wearing a dress (and of course I also wanted to be properly dressed for the occasion). But a dress is something I feel the most insecure in (besides while wearing, shorts, swimming suit or changing my clothes). I was so nervous I nearly puked in the hall, even though I managed to find a dress that kind of made me feel pretty and it fit me without some odd fabric flapping around. And to make the things even worse, my friend asked me why I didn’t wear a knee long dress and that, based on my body type a long dress looked really weird. Like… Gee, thanks.. Friend. And there goes my self-esteem out of the window again.

However I went to college, where no one cared how skinny I was anymore and things got a bit better. I even started to wear other stuff besides hoodies and oversized t-shirts. Yet, things went downhill in my 3rd year. I was stressed because of everything, home issues, college issues, boyfriend issues. And that stress lead to massive change of my body. I rapidly gained weight, I gained 6kg in 6 months. Now you might say that this is actually not that rapid, but for me it is. All my life I struggled to gain it, but not like that.

The gained kilos obviously showed, so instead of a ‘perfectly’ flat stomach that I was used to my whole life I now have a slight flab of fat on it. It’s nothing major, I mean most people have a lot more visible layer of fat and they’re okay with it…. But to me, well it turned my life upside down.

My friends obviously had nothing to say about it, since they lived the “transformation” with me and they most likely didn’t notice it. But my family on the other hand, who only saw me every once in a while, their reaction was catastrophic. They told me that I got fat and I need to start exercising and lose weight or I’ll soon end up with a “beer stomach”.

Of course that was not the spike of it. The final blow of this part of my tale came from my boyfriend. We had a bit of a falling out at the time, so we didn’t see each other for a long time. But once we did met.. The first thing he asked me, was if I’m pregnant. Obviously at first I took it as a joke and told him that I’m pregnant with food and fat if anything. But I soon realized that he wasn’t joking, since he stared to accuse me of cheating on him and stuff like that. Not only that his idiotic behavior caused him  to lose his girlfriend, it also completely shattered my self-esteem.

2. The summer issue

Flat out, I have stretchmarks EVERYWHERE. On every part of my body that grew, ever. Also I had them since I can remember. They are on my hips, on my legs, behind the knees, on elbows, on shoulders (Yes you read that right!), stomach, back. Even my boobs have stretchmarks. I look like I survived a lion attack and they had to sew me together. So I guess you can imagine why I’d dislike wearing swimming suit and/or shorts.

3. Make up

I don’t wear make-up, unless it’s a special occasion and I have to dress up. I don’t see the need to wear it, after all the only thing I actually liked about myself is my face. Even though my face haven’t changed in about 8 years at least. The pictures of me when I was 15 look exactly the same as those now (I keep my ID pictures and yeah, they’re the same, only difference is what I’m wearing).

Apart from being completely okay with my face, there’s the thing that I can’t actually do make up, unless it’s a little tweak of mascara and a lip-gloss. But of course even my face had to get ruined by people, especially my mom and aunt (and some other female specimens), who keep nagging me to wear make-up and make myself look pretty. Basically they’re constantly giving me a reminder that they don’t think I’m pretty enough to be without make up. Well I know they’re only trying to help, yet the result is everything else but helpful.

4. Picture perfect?

And I got to my final point… I don’t like taking pictures, because I can’t pose for a picture. Seriously, if I force a smile, it looks weird as hell. But if I don’t smile, I look like I’m stoned.. So yeah. Picture of me is far from how I actually look like and I don’t like that.

 

Anyway, thank you for reading and sorry for misleading. Actually I’m not sorry for a misleading title.. But seriously I had to write this one out. It honestly took me two weeks to write it, because it’s the first time that I’m actually sharing something personal. However I do think this little ‘confession’ helped me realize some things. I should stop giving a shit about what people think of me, even though I can’t say that I’ll take a picture of myself any time soon. But if I do or better said, WHEN I do, it will kinda be a huge deal for me.


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45 thoughts on “4 steps of picture perfect

  1. I used to feel the same when I was younger and then I started regretting not taking pictures because of the memories that were made during that time and I had no way to share it especially with my kids. These days, I could care less about what I look like in pictures.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Putting yourself down with those body issues is not a good habit, instead, use them to show to everyone how amazing and beautiful you are. Photos that you’re taking are memories you made, and those memories that you made are beautiful, no matter what. Great article to read.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Annie, you are very brave to be so transparent about something so personal. I understand what you mean about not feeling comfortable with your body image. I’ve struggled with that as well. I hope that you are in, or growing to, a space of self love and acceptance. Please continue to express yourself and share your story. You will find, time and time again, that there are many who feel the way you do. You are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m a person that can say I’ve never taken a selfie. I know what I look like and don’t need a constant reminder of my flaws. But I also embrace my flaws because they define who I am. Each scar or imperfection and even my droopy eye caused by a non-treatable neurological disease is a badge of honor because I’m a happy, positive person by nature. I don’t smile because of the same disease. I can smile but I have to force it and it looks un-natural. Embracing who I am and how I look was the first step on my journey through my LOA lifestyle.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It can be so hard to feel comfortable in pictures. I too hate taking pics of myself. We can be so freaking critical of ourselves! As a mom of 3 my body has changed SO much since having kids. And I hate bathing suit season too. But you are right when you say we shouldn’t let what other people think of us affect us. So we should all wear those bathing suits proudly! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so glad that you quit caring about what people think. However I do think you should take some pictures. Trust me on this, if you ever have kids, take lots of pictures. They will not care about your imperfections. Once you are gone, it will be all they have.

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  7. I love this post, because for so many years of my life I felt exactly the same way (except for the part about makeup – I never bother to wear it, but I AM good at it when I make the effort). One of the things that helped me get better about taking pictures (and liking them) was practicing. I took pictures of myself often, and scrutinized them. Which is the best angle for my face when close up? And from farther away?

    Another part of the issue was that I was a chronic mirror avoider – I hate myself in photos because I needed to get used to looking at myself. I practiced looking at my face in the mirror – in stillness, in brushing my teeth, even while talking on the phone. It sounds stupid, maybe, but it helped me learn to love myself so much more. And now, I don’t have to do “mirror work” anymore, because when I see myself in the mirror, I can smile.

    But I’m still not volunteering for full body shots or anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Glad you were able to release those emotions through blogging. That takes courage. I was very skinny growing up nd some people thought I was anorexic as well. However, I ate lots and didn’t puke, and was also very active in dance and sports. Have you talked to your doctor about this issue? There may be something they can help you with to improve the health of your gut. Other than that, working out helps gain good muscle and strength! 🙂

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  9. It’s so great that you managed to get this all out, that’s the first step! I hope that one day you feel confident enough to take a photo of yourself. You’re right, you shouldn’t give a shit about anyone else around you!

    Like

  10. Your story touched me a lot. I think your family and boyfriend had to understand and always support you instead of accusing, it’s so rude from their side. We areYou should do what you love and what makes you happy! You are not alone!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I really hate posting selfies. I only got rid of my shyness of posing late last year. I sometimes post pics of me on instagram but until now if’s mosrly sceneries. I guess everyone has insecurities

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  12. It’s sad to know that body image is given so much importance even by our closed ones who know us much better as a person. I just hope you stop caring about all these unimportant things in life

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  13. It’s heartbreaking to read about you family and your boyfriend’s reaction. I was never a fan pf taking photos, but it’s now become my job and I’m starting to like it because of the memories.

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    1. Well it wasn’t a big suprise for me sice my family is not exactly supporting, but I did not expect the reaction from my boyfriend -.-”
      Oh that’s nice, I’m glad you got over the phrase of not liking to take pictures

      Like

  14. I could feel any word of yours here. Call me outdated but I just don’t like selfies or photos of me flowing over in my accounts. I appreciate more the views of places centered in my photos. 🙂

    Like

  15. I have always had weight issue and was always mocked at through my schooling life. I got so fat and felt so uncomfortable. I decided to take charge my life and started eating healthy balanced meals. I feel much better about myself. I am really sorry about what had happen to you and I hope things work out for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Great post. I have body issues fairly similar to yours. I used to be really skinny, and my family would often ask me if I was throwing my food away- but I just had a fast metabolism. But at 15 when I got with my boyfriend (7 years ago), I started to put a little weight on. I’m nowhere near as skinny as I used to be but my boyfriend loves everything about me so he doesn’t care

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  17. Most of us have some body issues. I like about 10% of the photos of myself. Since having kids, I’m kind of forced to be in photos with them . . . I usually prefer to be behind the camera when I can, which is pretty often. Your final conclusion to stop caring what people think is a good one. Figure out what makes you comfortable and happy with yourself. Thank you for sharing something so personal

    Like

  18. I used to hate taking photos of myself. It’s normal to feel this way but eventually you’ll get sick of trying to look perfect, you won’t really care anymore. You can take pictures, to keep memories, you don’t have to publish them if you don’t feel comfy about it. It’s just all about capturing the moment, and that’s it.

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    1. Thank you for reading and I’m actually glad to find another person who’s not a fan of getting their picture taken, lately it seems that people are obsessed with pictures of themselves..

      Like

  19. I don’t understand growing up being skinny… I had the skinny comments all my life and some of them hurt. Then when I put on a little weight, a friend of the family commented and I just thought “I can’t sodding win!”.

    I don’t wear make-up either. A friend once pinned me down to put some on me!

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  20. OmG, we’re so alike (except for the skinny part).
    I also have stretchmarks I don’t like and it feels like that with every summer more of them appear.
    I hate taking pictures of me because I NEVER end up good on them. I am not ugly, but on pictures I can’t look pretty…
    Also, I don’t wear make up very often. I’m just too lazy.

    Like

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