I know I’ve been rambling about myself a lot on my blog and I know I have a “lifestyle” blog not “rant about your life until everyone hates you” blog, but I figured to get this one out of my system, after reading so many mental health positivity posts.
I also decided this post to be a bit different, as I want to illustrate my mind not just the general idea that I want to present. Meaning I will write this post in 2 parts. This one, where I present you the problem, and the second one, where I present you the mind.
So if you could, please follow comment a random word that pops into your head, I will later write a post using the words you commented into a (hopefully) understandable formation. (for the sake of the post that’s all I can say at this time.)
Moving on to this post… After all, I do have to actually write it not just form it in my head.
I’ve been an outcast because of my mind my whole life. Why? Because my brain works slightly different as the brain of the majority. In posts “Motivational speech in a nutshell” and “27 Things you didn’t know about me” I already briefly announced that.
So the fact is that my IQ is fairly above average, I won’t give you the number because it does not matter, I will give you a result of this. My brain can process anything logical, but I can’t process emotion. So whenever an emotional situation arises, I use avoidance, the “Out of sight, out of mind” approach. It did not work especially well for me when I was younger. So I also developed a learning habit where I would literally stare at people and memorize their reactions to different situations. It was an asshole move but I also did the same thing online, while talking to people with actual issues, in multiple “help/depression/suicide/anxiety/etc. forums”. I got good at reading people and reacting in a way that’s helpful to them, so I guess it was not all bad, even though empathy was not what I actually felt.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do have emotions, I do get emotional, but I cannot process the “interactive feelings”, basically I suck at empathy. Uhh… let’s go back to when I was younger, like… kindergarten/elementary school young.
Have you ever wondered, how it would feel when you tough about the things around you like “How come we have water springs when there’s lava under the crust? Where does that water come from?”, while kids your age ate dirt in the sandbox. (This is an actual question I asked my dad when I was 4, I don’t think there was a birthday without him mentioning that.)
Because I wondered and wanted to know things that most people believed were beyond my understanding for a certain age, people tend to avoid me. Especially kids and their parents. I never went to a birthday party as a kid, nor did I celebrate my birthday, because no one would come. By the time I got to 4th grade in elementary school, I got a “friend”, for who I later realized she only sat with me, so she could copy my homework and have her exams solved for her.
Regarding my IQ, I was (and still am) an idiot. The mentioned friendship lasted till the last grade of elementary when she finally showed her real colors and just dumped me, only asking for favors when she needed homework, or she didn’t study for the exam.
I never really understood the connection between studying and taking exams, except for math (the only subject I ever sat down to study throughout the elementary and secondary (high) school). I only made that valuable connection once I hit college and realized that people don’t want actual knowledge, but they just want to read exactly what they said during the lectures.
Also, let’s just say that no one appreciated me talking during lectures because I always either said or asked something they couldn’t give a response to. And just when I got comfortable with talking again.
That sounded wrong…. I meant I stopped talking about things I wanted to say and only gave brief responses to directly asked questions. All that because people always gave me weird looks for talking the way I wanted, didn’t understand it, or flat out told me to shut up or “talk in a language all can understand”, I guess that language was never science. (To correct that, in college I met some amazing people who’d share my enthusiasm for science talk, so there’s that.)
Oh right, talking, or better said expressing myself. That is extremely difficult for me, not because I’d feel shy or uncomfortable, but simply because people don’t get what I’m saying. I also tend to over explain a lot, so people sometimes feel like I think they’re stupid…. Yet on another hand, they like to use me as a tutor, knowing I can explain one thing in million different ways…. So I guess that’s good…
Let’s forget about the past and my friendless little life and talk about NOW. And with that, I mean my blog. You probably didn’t notice that this last year, I have a break after a break after a break. It’s not intentional, I promise. I just get caught up in thoughts.
I wrote about how to write a blog post In “How to write a perfect blog post?”, but it’s really not that simple for me, because while I think of a blog post, I don’t think about only one post, but I think about multiple posts while writing one. And that’s a problem because while I write I usually think of 10 new ideas of what I could write, but I can’t decide if I can randomly infuse those ideas into the post or do I have to write a separated post for it. I usually decide for the latter. But that provides another glitch in writing because I can’t move on until I get the thought out of my head. That result in having 6 Word documents open and writing a lot of post at the same time. Now you’d of thought that I have countless of posts to publish… Wel, that’s wrong because all those other posts are at best half finished. I only have countless of drafts and finishing one of them results in more drafts and so on…
However, that was not the only thing that preoccupied my twisted brain. In last 2 months, I’ve been intensively working on my new blog about environmental protection and all things nature, Gaia-s. I got so caught up in working on it I kind of forgot about this one.
So sorry about that….
Anyway, that would be it for today!
Do you ever feel like people don’t get you?
Is it hard for you to fit in?
Will you humor me and comment a random word I can use in my next post?